Part 2 - The Covert Narcissist in Family & Workplace Environments
Identifying the 4 Main Relationship Stages
As I mentioned in Part 1 of this Blog, until I met London based International Life Coach and Speaker, Judymay Murphy, I was only familiar with the, ‘extraverted,’ or ‘exhibitionist’ Narcissist. Those who you, ‘see coming,’ given their haughty and arrogant behaviour. I did not know about the, ‘covert,’ or, ‘closet’ subtypes, who are not so easy to spot, as they disguise as sensitives and empaths, are charming and seemingly generous. I had most likely come across them but not identified them as Narcissists. With coverts, it can take months or years to ‘uncover’ them. The same pathological traits are present in both types; it is only the manner in which they express the traits that changes.
There will likely come a time when as a Lawyer, as your client is describing the circumstances of their legal problem to you, you may identify that they are a target of a Narcissist’s abuse or they may be a Narcissist themselves. This could happen in any area of dispute or conflict. I have seen this many times in the areas of Family and Children Law with Separation and Divorce and cases of Workplace Bullying.
In my practice as a Holistic Lawyer, I deem it my duty of care towards a client not only to provide legal solutions and facilitate a positive outcome to the dispute or conflict they find themselves in, but also to assist them in unravelling the underlying reason for the creation of that situation in the first place. The reason to do this, is to support my client in finding healing and avoiding a repetition of similar circumstances with the suffering, mental and emotional pain that brings. The difficulty with Narcissists is that apparently they lack the self-awareness required to bring about that self-enquiry, to take on responsibility/ accountability for their actions and to heal.
In Part 1 I drew largely from Dr Theresa Covert’s Book, ‘The Covert Narcissist’ to give examples of Narcissistic behaviour and the detrimental effects on their targets of abuse. You could be representing a target of abuse, or the Narcissist him or herself. In either case, knowledge about Narcissists and their lies, manipulation games and power plays will most certainly (1) help you manage your client and case more effectively and (2) empower you to offer support to the targets of abuse and recommendations to counsellors, therapists, psychotherapists or psychologists.
Sadly, as above, Narcissists rarely see that there is anything ‘wrong’ with them and consequently will not seek psychological or psychiatric help. If they do, they may not be honest about their intentions and may agree to attend only as a further form of manipulation and control over their target or situation; that is, to ‘look good’.
Identifying the 4 Main Relationship Stages
1. Idealization or 'Love Bombing'
At the start of a relationship, Narcissists may ‘idealise’ or ‘love-bomb’ their targets by: taking care of your needs such as mundane and stressful daily tasks; they may buy gifts; pay your bills; be overly complimentary; take you, ‘wining and dining’, on holidays and generally shower you with ‘affection’. At work examples include being overly attentive and supportive even when no-one asks for their help. With coverts, this all seems genuine, although it may also feel a bit pushy. But who doesn’t want to be ‘loved’ or ‘cared for’ with so much affection and so many favours? It is hard to see these behaviours as ‘red flags’, until later on in the relationship, hence why you should be gentle with yourself once you awaken to the truth. The problem is that many targets will have trusted and opened up, disclosing their vulnerability or even secrets which the Narcissist will later use as ‘ammunition’ to control and manipulate.
In her book, ‘The Covert Narcissist’, Dr Theresa says that (p17), “The real danger of encountering them lies in the fact that they act like someone you’d love to have in your life. They are kind, dedicated, cheer for you and know how to make you feel special… This is their mastery of charm that will be present throughout all stages of a relationship with them”. It is the ‘hook’ they use because when the second stage of ‘devaluing’ starts, you’ll be holding on confused, to the love-bombing stage, as evidence of why you should stay! Many describe the love bombing stage as one which was fairy-tale like, too good to be true, that they felt lucky, like ‘heaven’, or as though they had found their soul mate and are fearful of never finding anything ‘better’.
Dr Theresa explains further (p 16) ‘: “They actually care what you think of them. Not because they want to impress you and really care for you but because they need you to approve them… they will go the distance to get this approval. They need to feel validated and the best way to do that is by making you feel like you are important, talented, listened to, cared for and understood- which is exactly what they need from you…. What they give you in the first months or years of knowing them is exactly … what they will demand you to give them later on. Their attention and appreciation of you in the first stage is their way of ensuring narcissistic supply… because of their ways of ensuring such a supply, after the love bombing stage, their supplies become their targets”.
The reason the Narcissist builds this ‘base’ is, (p70) “… to create a safe zone where they can be admired while gradually revealing their true selves [unempathetic closed off person who does not care about the other] as the relationship progresses… to make the target comfortable enough so they can gradually refocus the relationship towards themselves”.
2. Devaluation and gas-lighting
Having first studied you and observed your insecurities and weaknesses, or drawn from you any ‘confessions’, Narcissists will then use this information against you by planting seeds of self-doubt, fear or even self-hate. It is done subtly over time. Rather than by saying or doing something, by not acknowledging your needs and wants and withdrawing the overwhelming interest they showed in you at the start, they are saying, ‘you are not important enough’, and that makes them feel better. It also leaves you confused thinking you did something ‘wrong’.
Narcissists drain your energy and your peace of mind is their ‘food’ (p44-47). So, they need to cause drama to feel important and alive. Dr Theresa continues, “Some will flirt with others in front of you, spend money saved together, spread false stories about you or turn your loved ones against you by describing you as difficult, drama oriented or mad… some come to your friends for advice about how to, ‘deal with you’, telling them you are cheating, inconsiderate or selfish and they will do so with the same innocent face they had when they met you. Combined with passive-aggressiveness, they would sometimes even make you leash out on them wanting an explanation for the silent treatment they gave you, only so they can accuse you of being the one that rages and likes to fight”.
Narcissists are also jealous of everybody’s success and this includes the target’s success. The things they will do to undermine you and your happiness include: withholding support, giving backhanded compliments or, ‘constructive’ criticism. They will not celebrate your success.
When interviewing your client, also look out for signs of ‘gaslighting’. This is a term used to describe the Narcissist’s attempts to get the target to doubt his or her reality. It is a form of manipulating and controlling the target so that they will not leave them.
Dr Theresa explains (p50), “It is a process when one manipulates their target by denying, shifting blame or negating the truth, which as a result causes their victims to question sanity or memory. This is very damaging to one’s mental health, as the victim starts doubting their own reality, what they saw or heard”.
In Employment cases of [Workplace Bullying], examples of gaslighting include (p51): “taking credit for your achievements or ideas while convincing you that you had nothing to do with it, to concealing important information and turning this against you. They won’t tell you about changes in the schedule, cancelation of projects, new rules or strategies, only to have you break the rules or put the effort in a project that is cancelled or paused. Once you make a mistake, they will kindly tell you about the rules or changes, with: I told you about it or how can’t you remember, we discussed it two times already and similar convincing acts. The goal is … to sabotage you, make you question your own memory, competence, abilities and sanity. In the process they will look like a professional, caring hero archetype, and you will look like a mess in front of the collective… you will be stressed, exhausted, start losing self-confidence and thinking you are going mad… ”.
Targets feel they have to defend reality. Narcissists twist reality to shift the blame on others as they are incapable of taking responsibility for their hurtful actions. They will lie, deflect and transfer the blame onto others. The impact on the target will be low self-esteem, self-doubt, paranoia, guilt, believing they are the bad ones, or that they are in the wrong, or even that they are losing their mind!
Slowly, be this at home or at work, the target starts taking over full responsibility for the relationship (household, children or work) with the Narcissist putting in less effort. This means that the target also gets blamed for the ‘bad things’ that happen, or ‘go wrong’.
3. Discarding
The Narcissist will enter the ‘discard’ phase when the target starts ‘awakening’ and setting healthy boundaries, or when the target has nothing left to give because they are drained and have no energy left! Dr Theresa describes how targets are sometimes robbed of their natural radiance, vibrancy, positivity and feel like, ‘empty shells,’ and may even get physically sick.
When a target ‘awakens’ and notices the patterns, they are able to ‘figure them out’. They call for responsibility and this put the Narcissist in a ‘fight or flight’ response. This is when the Narcissist’s tricks, manipulation and control no longer work and they move onto a new victim who is unaware and can provide them with new dosages of supply of admiration and appreciation, as they embark on the love-bombing stage all over again!
As the Narcissist never truly loved and lacks empathy, a break-up is easy and causes them no pain at all. Dr Theresa explains (p85), “…when the narcissist tries to take the last bits of your energy, fails to do so and as a result, throws you away as if you were an object that is no longer of use”. Dr Theresa adds that this phase could be sudden and hurtful, or a series of breakups. Also, during their preparation to leave you, they will have found new supplies (targets) which explains how they may be in a new relationship just days or weeks after a breakup or divorce.
4. Hoovering
The pattern of multiple breakups is described as ‘hoovering’; the Narcissist re-trying to get supply from the target many times over, even when they are in new relationships. It is the Narcissists’ last hope to get what they want from former targets. Hoovering is when they love bomb again, provide new explanations, new promises of hope and love and say they have or will change. Dr Theresa explains (p89), “The narcissist doesn’t know how to love and they will never come back because they miss the other person, but because they need them. They need a supply because it makes them feel safe and they will not back down under any circumstances until the victim decides to cut all possible contact with them and sets unbreakable boundaries". This may be hard to do because targets do have real feelings.
In the context of a Narcissists' behaviour after a separation and divorce, Dr Theresa says (p91), “you are barely breathing and unable to get up in the morning and them enjoying the best time of their life- that is what they want you and everyone else to believe. They are with someone else, ‘finally finding happiness after a horrible marriage with you’. You are the horrible, inconsiderate, selfish, crazy ex they just needed to save themselves from…Replacing you and living a perfect life just as you two did at the beginning of the relationship is just their way to punish you…”. Of course if you left them, damaging their fragile ego, they will do anything to protect their false sense of grandiosity. If you left them this shows others that they are not good enough, so they have to lie, tell stories about you so that you become the person in the world’s eyes who is not good enough.
While a new target is receiving the ‘love-bombing’ stage, you are going through pain and the Narcissist will feed off both of you. Showing any sign of love, missing them or wanting to talk to them is an invitation for a Narcissist to come and get more supply, leaving their toxicity in your energy for a long time to come.
In [Part 3] of this Blog, I will share some of the tools I learned from Joanne King M.A.’s book “Too Good to Go, Too Bad to Stay,” on how to identify whether you are in a toxic relationship, how to decide whether to stay or leave and importantly, how to regain peace of mind and healing to avoid attracting similar toxic relationships in future.
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