What Children See in Childhood, The Inner Child in Their Adulthood Repeats An Awakening About Domestic Violence
“We choose not randomly each other. We meet only those who already exist in our subconscious”, Sigmund Freud.
1. Why do some people choose an abusive partner and is this a conscious (i.e. intentional) or subconscious (i.e. unintentional) choice?
2. Can generational cycles of domestic violence be broken? If so, how?
When I started law practice as a junior Barrister, I was very judgmental. I’d like to put it down to misplaced, youthful arrogance: I had good intentions but was still very inexperienced when it came to life. On attending at Domestic Violence Awareness events, I recall not understanding why these (mainly) women would stay with their terribly abusive partners? I could understand this could be so decades ago, in times when women had no access to education, work, state benefits, or even a women’s refuge to go to. But in today’s world where women are supported financially by the state, volunteer groups? I misguidedly put it down to weaknesses. Sometimes, I’d get angry, particularly when there were children exposed to the violence and abuse. It was only after dealing with numerous live cases, that I began to awaken to my clients’ reality, and they were certainly not weak- in fact, these women and men were strong beyond words.
I believe that there is an ‘inner justice’ system in all of us. A balance by which we measure our own standards of what is just or unjust, acceptable or unacceptable, tolerable or intolerable. This ‘balance’ was created years ago, when we were only a child. It became the measure by which we have walked our path since. It has coloured our choice of relationships and our perception of all of our life experiences.
I now speak to clients of domestic violence with non-judgment and compassion about their childhood experiences. If they partnered with an alcoholic, I will ask who in their family, as they were growing up, was an addict -abused alcohol, drugs, gambled, etc? If they are being physically abused, I will ask who in their family they witnessed was physically abusive as they grew up? Invariably, they will respond in surprise as to how I knew this was something they experienced in their childhood or youth? Having worked with thousands of family law cases, I have learned that there exists a generational cycle of behaviour in every family, a case of ‘history repeating itself’: this behaviour may be positive or negative. If negative, it can lead to brushes with the law.
How many times have you come across an addict and commented on how s/he takes after their mother? Or father? Or uncle? Or grandmother? And so on. It is because children see, and the inner child in their adulthood, acts on what they saw. When I awakened to the fact that these victims of domestic violence are not necessarily making a conscious, intentional decision on whether to stay or to leave, but rather may be on, ‘automatic pilot’ driven by subconscious memory, their inner child’s trauma; I felt totally humbled, ashamed of my earlier judgments and grew in empathy.
When you look a client in the eye and they transmit a very real belief that their and /or, their children’s lives are at risk, that something terrible will happen to them if they leave the abusive partner, this is not a fear based on ‘supposition’. You can’t talk your client ‘out of’ this, passing it off as ridiculous or never going to happen. It may be a very real fear for the client who is unconsciously living, not in the present with you in your office, but re-living in their minds, the past; replaying from a frightening past experience of threats and violence actually lived and experienced at a cellular level.
That is, the early traumatic experiences permeated your client’s entire physical being, not just their minds. You may have become ‘weak in the knees’ when under threat of harm. Years later, when recollecting that memory, your body may manifest the same physical reaction that you had at the moment the threat occurred and it could be any of the automatic survival responses: to fight, to freeze, to flee or to fawn.
When we recall a negative experience, our minds cannot distinguish whether this is an event happening now or is just a memory plucked from the past that can no longer harm you. This is why clients may feel physical sensations linked to that negative memory, such as a tummy ache, a headache, or nausea. Emotions can likely be triggered too, even if there is no real immediate threat of harm in the present moment and clients may cry as they retell the terrifying events that led them to the haven of your law office.
I have witnessed the process of ‘normalisation’ of early childhood experiences, that creates the inner child’s ‘Inner Justice System’. My experience is that many victims and perpetrators of domestic violence were once a child who witnessed and/or were victim of some form of abuse growing up, around parents or other relatives. That is, they have ‘normalised’ this abusive behaviour, attracted a partner who displays similar traits which are warmly familiar to them, however destructive. So they subconsciously ‘choose’ this partner, this lifestyle and replay their childhood experiences, perpetuating the generational cycle, all over again.
It is possible to break the chains of inter-generational trauma. Family Constellation Therapy work is one of the tools Amber Law promotes which has reaped results for many. For further information, please email amber@amberlaw.gi.
Action Step: As a Family Lawyer, it is normal that initially you look only at the ‘physicality’, of the ‘adult’ sat before you in your office chair. But next time look closely, observe the ‘inner child’ in your client; the abandoned child; the rejected child; the beaten child; the abused child; the neglected child; the traumatised child. This awakening will assist you in understanding and connecting with your client, without judgment, over their ‘adult’ choices, circumstances, or their seemingly chaotic lives.
Action Step: As a victim or perpetrator of domestic violence, in awakening to your family’s inter-generational cycle, the good news is that as learned behaviour, the cycle can be broken through a process of unlearning and adopting new positive and healthy behaviours. Awareness is the first instigator of change. See [Client Well-being] for further support and guidance.
Affirmation: I have the power to be the one to break my family’s generational cycle
Recommended Reading: ‘Co-dependency’ by Melody Beattie.
Top Tip: Contact our collaborator Manuel Mora Fernandez [Family Constellation Psychotherapist] as a first step towards obtaining mental and emotional support towards positive change.
Children see, Children Do
Generational Cycles - Repeating Patterns of Child Abuse in Families