Part 1 - The Covert Narcissist in Family & Employment Law Practice
The Most Dangerous Narcissists Who Disguise as Empaths and Sensitives
Narcissism is a huge topic to which I cannot do justice in only a few blogs; but one which it is imperative for any Lawyer -actually every person- to learn about. The likelihood is that you will come across many Narcissists in your lifetime, be it in your personal, ‘romantic,’ or workplace relationships.
Knowing about the subject can literally save your and your clients’ mental, emotional, physical health and wellbeing and finances. In some cases being aware and recognising the red flags can literally save lives as in extreme cases, targets suffer anxiety, depression and may even die by suicide.
Narcissism is not, to my recollection, a topic I was taught at Law School. It is one however, that has affected many of my clients over the years, in both my Family and Employment Law practice. During client conferences you may be told very intimate details of the power dynamics in abusive relationships. By recognising ‘the signs’, you are empowered to in turn, explain to your clients that no, they are not mad or crazy- they have been the target of a Narcissist and abused as, ‘Narcissistic supply’. Also, there is nothing ‘wrong’ with them. To exercise your duty of care in such circumstances; (1) guide your client on how to end such relationships in a safe way for them and any children, which may include the support of the police and/ or social services and (2) identify a Coach, Psychotherapist or Psychologist who can provide support, guidance and healing.
What is Narcissism? In the context of Family Law, Narcissism commonly presents as abusive behaviour which affects the targets’ mental, emotional, physical health and many times, their finances too. As Dr Theresa J Covert explains in her book ‘The Covert Narcissist’ (p 17), “What is common for victims of narcissistic abuse, especially for those who have suffered the abuse from a covert narcissist, is low self-esteem, guilt, shame, poor self-image, despair, depression, anxiety, self-doubt, insomnia, trust issues, isolation, and even paranoia”.
In the context of Employment Law, Narcissism presents as Workplace Bullying. Dr Theresa adds (p23), “In the workplace, the Narcissist will dim your light, kill your motivation, discriminate against you, undervalue your work or take credit for your ideas or achievements”.
In the experience of cases I managed, aside from the above examples, the Narcissist was also: insulting, demeaning, humiliating, setting up people to fail, devaluing members of the team including with superiors, using intimidation tactics, name-calling, throwing objects in anger, shouting, keeping information from the individual/ team, sexually harassing and ‘gaslighting’ (a term explained in Part 2 of this Blog). Confusion is the predominant feeling, as the Narcissists’ words do not align with their actions.
Does any of this sound familiar to you in the context of your own personal or professional relationships, or does it resonate with a client’s story? So, who are these Narcissists? What provoked their behaviour and why are they so dangerous?
I took it upon myself to study Narcissism because in order to do the best by my clients’ cases, I needed to understand the, ‘modus operandi’ of such individuals, their manipulation techniques and patterns of behaviour, to become intimately aware about how their minds work and how to recognise their power plays. This knowledge is helpful not only for clients who are targets of Narcissists but when you as a Lawyer or Mediator need to deal with Narcissists: in the context of all communications with them, meetings held, negotiations for settlement and any other contact with them during the Legal and/ or Mediation processes.
There are different kinds of Narcissists. Until I met London Expert and Coach Judymay Murphy and undertook her course, ‘From Co-dependency into Power’, I only knew of the ‘traditional’ ‘overt’ Narcissists whose open displays of grandiosity, superiority and arrogance means they are much easier to spot! The ‘covert’ narcissist however, is more dangerous and it may take months or even years to uncover them; and as Dr Theresa (p15) explains, “this is where their power for destruction lies”.
In the early stages of the relationship, they disguise as empaths, sensitives, are overly invested in you with their time, money (they may even offer to pay your bills) and ‘support’. They want you to feel safe around them so that you will open up, be vulnerable, tell them your greatest hopes and deepest fears. They will later use this information against you in order to manipulate and control you, so that you will not leave them. Dr Theresa adds, (p16) “Their attention and appreciation of you in the first stage is their way of ensuring a narcissistic supply”.
Narcissists lack empathy, they do not care about your needs. They truly believe they are superior. They will twist the minds of even the most intelligent person. Dr Theresa explains (p26), “What Narcissists and their targets have in common is that they are both idealists, who dream of perfect love and perfect life, but they do so from completely different stances. While coverts believe they are superior and deserve only the best treatment, their victims dream of ideal love because they believe in love and humanity”.
At Chapter 4 of her book, Dr Theresa sets out, ‘How to recognise a Covert Narcissist’? She describes them as displaying confidence and charm but behind their mask they are deeply unsatisfied, feel inadequate, guilt and shame- but these play out in their subconscious mind. Because they reject or deny these feelings, the only way they can make themselves feel better is by making you take on these issues: “They project insecurities, identity issues, fears, shame, guilt or anger onto you… make themselves feel better- more superior, in control and better than you.”
The dilemma many of your clients will be facing is that as the Covert Narcissist is so charming on the ‘outside’, your client may explain they do not feel they will be believed if they tell the truth of what is going on ‘behind closed doors’. Also, many Covert Narcissists are in a position of power or authority, either in the community and/ or in the workplace, where statistics support that the majority of bullying happens vertically, that is from the ‘top down’. In such cases, the Employee may feel vulnerable and that their job will be ‘at risk’ if they make any attempts to expose their boss.
In Part 2, I shall be exploring some of the terminology described by Dr Theresa about the different stages of a relationship targets will experience with a Narcissist such as, ‘gaslighting’, ‘devaluing’, ‘discarding’ and ‘hoovering’.
Your clients will take a deep sigh relief when you are able to recognise and acknowledge them as targets of the seemingly charming and ‘untouchable’ Covert Narcissists in their lives. By seeing the truth of their situation and referring them to the right psychological support, your clients can be empowered to face their legal problem whilst also starting a healing process.
If your clients were still in the dark, as many do not know about Narcissism, you will have the knowledge to gently awaken them to the truth of their legal problem, so that once their ordeal is over, they can make new and better life choices moving forward.
